The regret I carry most as a mom…
WHOLE SUCCESS WEEKLY #13
If you asked me today what my biggest regret is as a mom?
Wholeheartedly, I’d say: my lack of presence.
It’s something I know so many women struggle with. The inability to…
…shut off our brains in the moments we want to relish.
…put play above productivity.
…be carefree, without self-judgment.
It’s like the play and the presence themselves evoke discomfort.
I was more uncomfortable skipping a to-do list than sitting and playing with my kids.
This wasn’t every time - I’m not made of stone🙃.
But the norm became: FIRST do the laundry, dishes, and emails…
THEN I'd “earned” the right to be unproductive.
Why is that?
Your Nervous System Might Be Blocking Your Presence
Over the past year+, I’ve done a lot of work to understand my nervous system:
The patterns I run in overwhelm
The ways those patterns show up in my body
And where those patterns began
As a child, I learned to find safety in:
...Achievement
...Being “good” and low-maintenance
...Fixing others’ problems
I was either being productive or self-sacrificing - usually both.
So of course as an adult, play felt uncomfortable.
And since our system reads: discomfort = unsafe...
...Presence felt unsafe.
Even something as simple as sitting and building Legos for an hour was an event my system read as a threat.
Because my nervous system had been trained: Safety lives in doing.
Distraction Is Pain Management
A friend recently told me about a book she’s reading - Indistractable by Nir Eyal (Wall Street Journal best-selling author of Hooked). His premise is powerful:
Distractions are actually a form of pain management.
When the brain senses discomfort, it automatically triggers distractions - to help you escape that feeling.
So if your system associates rest, play, or slowing down with discomfort...
No wonder you feel physically present with your kids… but mentally somewhere else.
🧠 Watch this 60-second clip of Nir Eyal explaining it.
So How Do We Shift?
Step 1: Build Awareness of Your Patterns
Start by noticing your nervous system in real-time.
When do you feel the urge to jump up, distract yourself, or check something off your list?
When does play or presence make you fidgety?
The more I studied this, the more I realized:
I wasn’t a workaholic or a busy-body.
I was just using productivity as my portal to safety.
It’s not about “turning it off” - that’s not how nervous systems work.
But it is possible to gently repattern over time.
We can let go of productivity as our value barometer.
And find value in just being.
Nir Eyal calls it “building a tolerance for discomfort.”
In somatic work, we call this “widening your Window of Tolerance.”
I covered this concept - the Steady Zone - in my last workshop.
If you missed it, I've pulled out the 90-second overview: catch the clip below.
Step 2: Practice Being With Discomfort (in small doses)
I started with a 10-minute window of focused presence.
Because I knew it had a start and end, my brain let me turn off the noise, just for that time.
Whether I was laying on the couch, reading a book, or playing with my kids…
those small doses started to shift something.
I let myself enjoy it.
I let myself be in it.
And I slowly built new muscle memory for what “safe” could feel like.
The Deeper Work: Healing the Root
Sometimes, presence takes more than small steps.
Sometimes, we need to rewire what presence represents.
I had a client who deeply wanted to be “the mom who played” -
but she always defaulted to her to-do list
Her kids often said "Mommy's always tired."
Which felt like a punch in the gut for her.
Because she was WANTED to have fun with them.
She just struggled to execute on it most days.
In one of our sessions she had a breakthrough.
I guided her through a visualization:
She saw herself with her kids - dancing, playing, carefree.
Laughter. Silliness. Lightness.
And in the corner of the room I had her envision 7-year old her
observing the seen of adult her dancing with her 2 kids.
Younger her kept her distance, but was smiling,
gently swaying to the music.
It's in that moment that she realized:
that’s where the resistance was.
Because the last time she allowed herself to feel that carefree,
something tragic had happened.
Of course her system protected her.
Of course it tried to keep her “doing” instead of being.
It wasn’t about motivation.
It was about safety.
This is where the deep work breaks cycles and generational patterns.
This is where the deep work gets to the root to truly set us free.
If this resonates…
I invite you to book a free clarity call.
Together, we’ll explore what’s keeping you tethered to the “shoulds,” the pressure, and the inner noise that makes it hard to feel the life you’re working so hard to build.
Whether it’s through The RISE Collective™ or Private 1:1 Coaching, this work will help you:
Loosen the grip of productivity-as-worth
Reclaim the driver's seat of your days
And reclaim the presence that’s always been yours to have
It’s not about doing more.
It’s about coming home - to yourself, your body, your values, your moments.
With love...always,
Jessica